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| I wish I was more positive.... but honestly, I don't know how to be. This wall that's between us now, I wish I could break it down for you like how I let you in when we got together, but this one's more difficult. Yes, it's ridiculous, but this is how I protect myself from being hurt. I can't even begin to tell you everything that's going on in my head because you wouldn't get it, you just wouldn't. I believe in us, but there are so many things that keep me from being happy and contented. I WARNED YOU FROM THE GET GO THAT I WASN'T GOING TO BE THIS EASY RELATIONSHIP. I'm a fucking BITCH and I don't know how to control my shit, but you took a chance anyways, and honestly so did I. This is the reason I didn't want a relationship, I don't know how to be in one.. and don't tell me that's not your fault.. because it's no one's fault.. I gave you my heart on a silver platter even when I kept telling myself not to. You can't help who you fall in love with. Like I told you the other day, I don't want to hurt you anymore, and if you can't do it anymore, then don't. I'm not rolling over and quitting, I'm gonna show you that I want this, but this is the hardest thing for me to do.. to let EVERYTHING GO. I want to be with you, but not at the expense of hurting you.. It was never your battle to fight, it was always my own, but I guess somewhere along the way I figured you would be the answer to all my problems. Like you were my total knight in shining armor that would save me from myself and that we'd live happily ever after. I guess I need a reality check because it's never like how it is in the movies. Sometimes you need to save yourself.. I think I'm just too much of a coward to do it on my own and let the past be past.. I don't know dude.. I am my own worst enemy and I'm sorry I took you along for the ride. You're right, I can't keep making excuses anymore, and I don't want to lose you over something so stupid.. I love you, and I'm going to show you. | | |
| You know what? If you want me to be balls to the wall honest, I will have the hardest time trying to control my anger. I don't give a flying fuck what you think, I don't bow out to no one. I'm stubborn as shit, and if you don't wanna deal, then leave. I made you promise to never leave me, but fuck if you ain't happy then leave, I understand that. The main reason people should say I'm a bitch is because I have a real hard time being like empathetic to others. Cuz I ain't for damn sure gonna be there like ohhhh gee let me comfort you when I have shit I can't even deal with on my own... I'm sorry to say but that's just how I am. Idk. I mean I never ever said trying to be with me was a breeze. I fuckin WARN people about this shit, and it's all you if you know what you get yourself into and then later act like shit ain't wit' it. Like sorry homie but a bitch told ya so. Like forreal though. & when it comes to trying, I try, you try, but shit I STILL try HARDER than you EVER would. Like tonight, you tell me you were worried, but I don't get a phone call.. I get nothing, except to see you online, and tweaking away on Tumblr. Idk, maybe I really shouldn't be expecting these things, but shit, to me anyways, its common courtesy to try when you see someone else putting in effort. You didn't let me know you were home even though you were all "worried".. you hardly ever remember to call when you say you would, let alone when I ask you too. I'm tired of hearing the whole "be paitient I'm sorry I know I'm not doing a great job" shit. DO it then. Really DO IT. Because I know you hear me, but Idk, I feel like you slack. I know you ain't a dumbshit, that's why I get even more frustrated cuz I'm here seeing you like not give your all, and I just don't get it. WHAT THE FUCK EVER. I'm not mad I'm just saying, like FOREAL though. | | |
| I'm wasting YOUR time? & you're complaining to me?! I could have saved you a whole year if you actually took into consideration the fact that I TOLD YOU I DON'T DO WELL WITH OTHER PEOPLE!! I told you how many times that I'm NOT A NICE person to like. and yet you still wanted to believe that I was. I'm sorry I can't help who I am. DON'T ask me to change or be willing because I am fine, and I DON'T need this. You're too nice to be with me anyway, and yet you STILL stick around TIME AFTER TIME. It's not like I planned to hurt you, that's the farthest thing I'd wanna do, its just that I'm sooo not like you. You're so nice to everyone, and you hardly ever look at the negatives; that isn't me. I know you understand that I'm different, but if it's such a burden to you, get out. I never begged or pleaded you to stay and help me figure out my shit. I appreciate you wanting to help me but I never commanded you to. Before you, I never really needed anyone, but although I need you, I know it's not easy to be around me. I'm not saying I don't care if you leave, yes it would BREAK ME, but I'd understand if you did. I'm not stable at the moment, I'm not very people-friendly at times, so I get it. You've become so important to me that I can't get the possibility out of my head that you're going to LEAVE ANYWAYS. I don't ever really "deal" and "cope" with my problems, I just push them deep down so I don't feel them anymore. and I'm okay with that. I'm ok with being a BITCH. I'm over fights, and I know you are too, so do us both a favor and leave. It's not like it'll be a surprise. I do love you, but I'm not a great person. & that's why you shouldn't stick around. </3 | | |
| It's the combat boot and faux leather jacket combo.
Anyways, I'm in my English 477 class. Every time my professor sits on the desk, I always envision the desk cracking in half and him falling. I swear that table is unstable and yet he still like, sits on it whenever he gets the chance. lol. He's cool though, but.. I swear the desk freaks me out like its gonna break already.
Today is a yuck day. The fourth day of my rags, I'm super hella tired. Think I'm gonna crash like, after this class. I know I gotta wait for Caleb to finish but stillll, haw. Must. Stay. AWAKE!!!!! AHHHH.
Yesterday was a long day. 3 classes & then work. BLEH.
Hence my yuck day. I left my Anthro class halfway in, couldn't stand it. I'm fucking exhausted holy effer. bleh. It's hump dayyy. Caleb and I might go to the job fair thing... but I don't know if we should go home before or afterrrr that. Ye'know? Hmm.. I seriously just wanna nap right now, right here. I gotsta pee so bad.. stupid water..
okkkkkkthnxbye | | |
| things have been pretty good (considering a few things -___-), but yeah!! Even though there are no labels with us, I'm glad where things are with me & *him. He's like my counterpart, my bestbestfriend, & I really love the way we just vibe like, off the bat. Finally someone that understands where I'm coming from, no pressure at all, I like it :) He really makes me happy, & I can tell he's like, the most genuine caring person I know, & to think it was pretty very much unexpected<3
I guess I slowly let go of a part of me, but not entirely.. let's not get into that too much, but it's just, retarded the situation you know?! How can you leave something on the shelf for years and expect it to be in perfect working condition only when you need it? It's really not fair. Accept your fault & if you really want to fix it, do something about it. Don't say you want to fix it, but then once you have the super glue & everything, you suddenly hold off on fixing it.
I mean this doesn't mean I'm gonna drop all that's good & go back to what once was. I can't & won't do that. I've grown up; I've realized a lot of things throughout the years & although it WAS what I wanted for how long, I need to be realistic about it..
I'm really happy at the place where I am right now. Focusing on school (or at least trying to -___-), work, parents, friends, *him. It's just, really good. Really thankful that things came together like this, it's all very new & interesting to me, & I'm just taking it one day at a time.
..well, until next time Xanga. I'll be on FB & Tumblr<33 ;D
- Melanie
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